I have shared with all of you my joy for makeup, my joy for crafts, and my joy for decorating, but I have yet to share with you all one of my greatest joys in life - writing. I have been writing poems, songs, and testimonials for as long as I can remember. Something about expressing my deepest thoughts on paper is so freeing. My hope and desire for my life is that I will one day write books (memoirs and christian books). In the meantime, I'd love to share with you all something I wrote for a class of mine, my senior year of high school. It is a story of pain, hurt, and desperation...but most of all amazing unconditional love. Hope you enjoy.
Life wasn’t always beautiful. It was full of many aches and pains. Did I have a purpose for my life? Hardly. Everyday was the same. Get up, examine myself in the mirror, not satisfied, go back to bed. My life consisted of my looks, nothing else.
I developed my eating disorder the end of my sophomore year. I had always been concerned with my weight since I was younger. I was 180 pounds in 8th grade, and was constantly teased and ridiculed. The time was to come where I’d enter into high school and the teasing would be times by ten. I decided it was time to lose weight.
From that point on I was a thinner Lauren, but not the exact definition of “thin”. When it came to the end of my sophomore year I realized the effects of eating less. And I liked them. Counting calories became my obsession. My looks became my identity. If I had an ounce of fat on my body, I was disgusting. I thought who would want me? No one likes fat girls. My eating habits took a spin, and my body was disappearing by the weeks. I believed I had it under control. Little did I know.
I think the first time I was ever really aware my body was dwindling was when I got called into the nurse’s office. Walking in the doors, I had no idea why I was there and what they wanted. The nurse had me come in the room, as she closed the door behind me. She had told me a teacher reported that I look unhealthy and she’s been noticing my sudden weight loss. I felt this anger build up inside of me. How could someone act like my losing weight was so negative? I felt embarrassed, targeted, and scared. The nurse had me step onto a scale as I waited in anticipation. I was desperately hoping the scale was off, and it would add on a couple pounds. 107, the scale read. “See, I’m fine!” I said in response to the reading. There was some astonishment in her eyes when I said this. She pulled up the body mass index test on her computer, and began to tell me I was under. I couldn’t believe this. I was finally skinny, and now I was “too skinny”.
Time went on, realizing I had a problem, but was going to do nothing to fix it. I had felt that for once in my life, I was perfect. People liked me, people wanted to hang out with me. Guys thought I was hot. I desired for this feeling my whole life. Yet why when I had finally attained what I wanted, was I completely empty?
This was the time when my walls came crashing down. I had reached my all time low. I had fallen further and further into a pit, wanting so desperately to get out. Life was useless. I wanted nothing more of it. I wanted happiness, and I couldn’t find it through my body.
When I thought this was all my life was ever going to be, an unexpected person came into my life, God. I had been asked several times by a fellow classmate to go to youth group with her, yet always denied the offer. I supposed I wasn’t ready to make a change in my life. Yet the time came where the girl asked again, for what was the final time, and to her surprise I accepted.
I went with her and her church on a four day water ski trip. I had no idea what to expect, but at this point in my life I needed anything. I cannot even begin to describe how it happened or when it happened when I found God. But the important thing is that I did. It is as though he put me through all the hurts, all the pain, to have me hit rock bottom, and realize I had to surrender my life to Him. For once in a very long time, I felt peace. This indescribable peace. Peace that could only come from God. I never believed I’d come to this point of surrendering, of actually finding joy, and finding hope for my life. Yet, sometimes life is so unexpected.
Since the night I gave my life to God, I have transformed into an entire new person. I have no more worries, no more fear, just complete and utter joy for God. For once in my life, I have a purpose- to live my life for something besides myself. I will live my life for God until the day I join Him in Heaven. I will never stop running after the one who never stopped running after me.
Looking back on my life, I wonder how that lost and hopeless girl was able to get to this place. How someone so deep in destruction was able to finally see the light. Then I am reminded. That’s the power of God.
No greater love than HIS,
Peace Love & All things Creative